Nancy Love’s Weblog

I’m writing a short note about vulnerability today.  Three weeks ago I received an eye injury at a spa.  The doctor said that 80 % of my conrea was damaged.  My eye is still patched.  i can’t drive and only yesterday was told I could use the computer fora couple of hours a day.  I have been at home usually flat on my back with my eyes closed while the healing takes place. I am vulnerable.  I was vulnerable when I went to the spa and had only one inkling that things were not quite right between members of the staff.  I remember thinking..” These peole could use some coaching.  They seemed happy with each other but procedures were changing and they all seemed just a little angry or frustrated about it.  The person who was going to do my treatment was talking to the one who had treated me before and suddenly there was a change in who I was assigned too.  I wondered if it was a commission thing.  Any was Number 1 still but the eye covers in and then left.  Immediately felt that the left one was uncomfortable but not ever having had the experience before I could only say…”It doesn’t’ feel right”

There were lots of things that could have happened to make the outcome different.  many things I could have done and said and some that they could have done or said.  Because it was my first time ( and my last) was at a disadvantage.

Any way … the blog is not about that.  It is about vulnerability.  More precisely about how we accept hte responsibility for a vulnerable other.  That is what has fascinated me as I convalesce .  I have been rather helpless.  It is not a role I enjoy.  I have had to depend on other people to meet my needs and have had to find ways to adequately make t6hose needs known.  I make assumptions about how to do things and so do they.

How can we anticipate the needs of the vulnerable?  How can we honour them while waiting on them?

How do different BEACHs arise when we are most vulnerable and when we are faced with giving or taking care of some else who is vulnerable?  What is the difference between care giving and care taking?  Which do you do?

So. I spent the weekend in Atlantic City New Jersey. We visited some friends we meet in the fall on a cruise and attended a rodeo. It was interesting. It was my first visit to the city where Monopoly started. The Boardwalk is amazing. We rode a chariot pushed by a guy along for quite aways. It was wet and cold and a little run down but the potential for warm summer days and prosperous economy are there. The North Atlantic is fierce in the winter. It pounded that jersey shore yesterday. Today was a little brighter and I could almost imagine Stephanie Plum playing the sleuth in the backyard and alleys in the older parts of town. The hotels and casinos are grand but this is NOT Vegas. It has it’s own unique character like all of us. Thanks for the memories Atlantic City.

A person who was attending one of my presentations on goal setting chatted with me afterwards.  I mentioned that I was writing this awesome book on the BEACHs – a Sociological Construct for understanding people in the workplace.  She said … “I need you to finish that book!”  That was good for me to hear. I need me to finish that book too.  I am sooo very close.  I am hoping to find that 40 hour week that will bring it to manuscript format and I can at the very least publish it on kindle.  If I say that out loud here then all of you can hold me to account.  Public pressure works for me so please feel free to apply it through email, phone calls etc.

The BEACHs book reveals where people are coming from and how people look at the world … in detail AND how you can hear it in their language.   Each BEACH has a rich description of what life is like there, what the language is and how it is used and what the dialect tells you about the people who live there.  It is still amazing to me to see that one world, even one situation, can be interpreted in nine different ways … even more ways when you consider the subcultures on each BEACH.  40 Degrees… when the circle is divided into nine you get 40 degrees on each BEACH.  Knowing just the differences in language and accents and dialects give PULSE practitioners the advantage of the interpreter.

How often have you heard – “They just don’t understand.” or “I don’t understand what they want from me?”  It is related to the languages of the BEACHs and how the same words are used in entirely different ways.

This will be a helpful book.  I need to get to work….  Keep those cards and letters coming.

Last week I took an afternoon and reformatted the first book in the PULSE series – Conversations for Change and uploaded it… I mean published it ….on Kindle….  You might say I was “kindling”  (smile).  It took some concentration but was relatively painless.

Here is the link –  http://www.amazon.com/Conversations-For-Change-ebook/dp/B007CE36QW/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1330282885&sr=1-2

I just changed the cover.  Not really happy with it yet.  I would welcome suggestions or art work….

You might also be happy to know that I won a draw to get some humour lessons from humour expert Judy at CAPS in March.  Many of you will be relieved.

Things that PULSE practitioners think, feel and do …

1. Conversations work best when ….

2. Gentle – so others can keep listening.

3. Honest – say what you are thinking…. in a gentle way.

4.  You are not prepared to resolve or move on until you have said everything that is on your mind.

5. Be open to what is being said and allow it to influence you.

6. Use specific examples for clarity… a story, a picture, an image.

7. Sometimes people use the same word to mean two completely different things.

8.  Keep talking until you find a resolution.

9. Gentle Honest, Open, Specific, Talk

10. Listen with HEART. Deep listening works to acknowledge emotion and de-escalate.

11. Hush your own mind, body and heart.  Be with the other person. Be curious.

12. Empathise.  Walk a mile in their shoes. Ask yourself “What is it like to be them?” Feel for them.

13. Attend to what they are saying and what they are not saying.

14. Body language speaks when it changes.

15. Facial expressions never lie and are universal across cultures.

16. Reflect back what you see. Remain silent so that they can respond to how you (they) look.

17. Trust that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know.

18. Trust to be trusted.

19. Hush, Empathise, Attend, Reflect and Trust = HEART – deep listening.

20. Earn yourself a hearing.

21. POWER listening gives evidence of having heard.

22. Paraphrase what you hear them saying.

23. Ask Open questions that hinge on what has been said.

24. WAIT – Why am I talking??

25. Let them finish.

26. Let them think about what you have said. Uninterrupted thinking is more effective.

27. Empathise by noticing and stating the level of emotion that you see, hear or experience.

28. “This has been difficult for you.”

29.  “You feel strongly about this.”

30.  “I can’t begin to imagine how it is for you.”

31.  Reframe is powerful.

32. Reframe changes the picture of the situation and therefore the situation is changed.

33. Paraphrase, Open questions, Wait, Empathise and Reframe = POWER listening

34.  Reframe involves identifying the perspective – the BEACH.

35. Beliefs, Expectations, Assumptions, Concerns and Hopes.

36. PULSE BEACHs are made of sand.  They are fluid and changing.

37. BEACHs identify what people are looking for in the world.

38.  On Perfection BEACH people seek order and the right way to do things.

39. On Connection BEACH people seek relationship and a way to help others.

40. On Success BEACH people seek to be on top and a way to work harder and smarter.

41.  On Differentiation BEACH people are seeking to be different, to be creative and unique.

42.  On Detachment BEACH people are seeking wisdom and knowledge and theoretical analysis.

43. On Security BEACH people are seeking safety and protection in the future.

44. On Excitement BEACH people are seeking joy and fun and adventure.

45. On Power BEACH people are seeking control and outcomes in the present.

46. On Peace BEACH people are seeking comfort and harmony.

47.  We understand ourselves through our relationship with others.

48.  Sociology explains how we interact with others.  The PULSE BEACHs are a sociological Construct.

49.  We move from BEACH to BEACH depending on our state.

50.  Each BEACH has its own language and culture.

51.  PULSE Practitioners recognized and interpret the language from each of the BEACHs.

52. Words Create Worlds.

53. You see what you are looking for and you hear what you are listening for…

54. Look for the positive and you will find more of it.

55. Acting as if something is going to happen moves it closer.

56. Anticipating an outcome brings it closer.

57. See the ball in the net, the hole wherever you want it to be.

58.  Seeing is believing and believing is seeing. Chicken and egg.

59.  We move toward what we pay attention to…

60.  We move toward what we imagine for the future.

61.  Change the image and change the future.

62.  Build the conversation and they will come.

63.  Create a neural link with your participants.

64.  Change begins the minute you ask the questions.

65. Positive questions shift thinking from negative to positive.

66. “What’s the best conversation you have ever had?”

67. “What made it good?”

68.  “What would it take to get back to that kind of conversation?”

69.  “If a miracle happened while you were sleeping how would you know?  What would be different?”

70.  “Understanding and agreement are two different things.”

71.  Ninety minutes are all you need to resolve a difference.

72.  PULSE is a brained based conversation.

73.  PULSE is a heart based conversation.

74.  PULSE is a body based conversation.

75. PULSE is an integrated conversation – past, present and future.

76.  There are three kinds of people … those that come toward you … those that move away and those that move with you.

77.   There are three kinds of people in the world … those that focus on emotion and the past, those that focus on the body and the present and those that focus on the head and the future.

78.  Three by three grid gives you nine perspectives that people can take on the world or on a specific situation.

79.  Where are you coming from?  Perfection, connection, success, differentiation, detachment, security, excitement, power or peace.

80.  Perfection is good until it isn’t.

81. Connection is good until it isn’t.

82. Success is good until it isn’t.

83. Differentiation is good until it isn’t.

84. Detachment is good until it isn’t.

85. Security is good until it isn’t.

86.  Excitement is good until it isn’t.

87. Power is good until it isn’t.

88. Peace is good until it isn’t.

89. There is a fair weather side and a stormy side to each BEACH.

90.  All of the BEACHs are good until they aren’t.  Then it is time to move.

91.  To move from one BEACH to another you have to find what you are looking for there.

92.  Perfection BEACH moves to Excitement BEACH.

93. Excitement BEACH moves to Detachment BEACH.

94. Detachment BEACH moves to Power BEACH.

95. Power BEACH moves to Connection BEACH.

96. Connection BEACH moves to Differentiation BEACH.

97.  Differentiation BEACH moves to Perfection BEACH to close the circle.

98.  Success moves to Security which moves to Peace to complete the triangle.

99.  The BEACH paths are two-way.

100.  Knowing the BEACHS allows you to use them, not have them use you.