Nancy Love’s Weblog

The title is a quote from  Carrie Rainey.  It speaks to me.  I am alive and I can be creative here everyday.  Yesterday I turned 57.  I got an ipad that I am loving. It has forced me to look at my filing system for photos for example so that I can find the ones I want more easily and I have thousands of digital photos on it that chronicle my busy wonderful life over the past 10 years. 

Looking back is good.  I had a chance to do that last week with a friend in St. Albert.  I happened to run into her on a terrace at a coffee shop.  I’m guessing it has been 10 years since I saw her.  We worked in the same hallways teaching junior high and high school at two different schools for 12 years.  She was a part of my every day life then and now we have another chance to spend time together. It’s great to have those kind of opportunities.

Telling your story of 10 years in a 30 minute conversation is not easy.  What do you leave out?  Do you focus on Travel? on Accomplishments?  on children? on tragedies?  How can you summarize?  And what do you learn in the retelling?  What I learned is that my life might have been different had I stayed in St. Albert.  it is interesting to consider the path not taken.  It makes you critical and appreciative all at the same time.

Creativity is my motto for this my 58th year on the planet.  Daily exercises in writing which I hope to share with you.  I am in the only place I need to be to start….

Have you ever noticed that some days it is easy to jump out of bed and hit the ground running?  If you have had a good night’s sleep and if the day holds the promise of adventure and joy it is much easier to pull the covers back and let your feet hit the floor.  Some days I wonder what thought or idea will get me out of bed.  It is a game I play with myself to see what it will take to move me from the comfort and warmth of a cozy safe place.

I will hypothesize that there are roughly nine motivations that will get people out of bed in the morning.  For some it is the prospect of a perfect day or a chance to make the world a little more perfect by finding something that it wrong and fixing it.  If you are a Perfect, that is if you live life from or are just visiting the Perfection BEACH your motives will relate to that search for perfection.  Sometimes I find myself wanting to finish or organize or correct something first thing in the morning and I know that today will be a day when I live on the Perfection BEACH.  It is this need for rules and standards and ORGANIZATION that moves me to action and out and away from my coziness. A true Perfect will get up at the same time everyday to a predictable routine aimed at making the morning …. perfect.

For others, the thought of doing something wonderful for someone they care about will be the motivator.  The joy of giving and connecting works to motivate the Connectors.  They see the world from Connection BEACH where service to others and the sense of relationship serves to move them to action.  Appointments with people they love to be with, an opportunity to contribute to a team, an experience shared with good friends are important to the Connectors.

For others, the Success Seekers,from Success BEACH, the prospect of looking good, of completing a high-profile project or getting the job done and increasing productivity and recognition and status for themselves and others will be the thing that moves them to get out of bed if they ever got in.  These are the workaholics who can go all night and yet look like they just stepped out a magazine in the morning.  Looking your best and doing your best is important to them.  It moves them to action.

For the creatives among you, those who live on Differentiation BEACH, the melancholy of the morning may move you to such depths of emotion that you will be moved to get up and write or paint or dance or draw.  It is the promise of creative endeavors that excites the heart and then the body to action or on a bad day to inaction. Contributing to the beauty of the world is important to Creatives.  Opportunities to do that will make getting out of bad easier.

From Detachment BEACH the Thinkers are encouraged to get up so that they can have time to think about things.  Sleep can even be an interruption to the thought processes, the synthesizing and analyzing that continues in the mind of the Thinker.  The outer world often is experienced as an intrusion for Detachment BEACH people.  They are happier in their in world of ideas and concepts.  A theory or an idea that needs consideration would move a Thinker to put feet on the floor and get the day started, but not before considering a theory of what motivates people to get up in the morning…… hmmmm.

Security BEACH dwellers will need to get up and get the day started and be prepared for what ever the day may throw at them.  They will be going through their inner checklist to make sure that no detail or contingency has been missed.  Routine is their friend so they will want to get up at the same time everyday. Predictability is a motivator although the safety and security of a cozy bed will be something that the Secure will enjoy.

For the Excitement BEACH dwellers, the promise of a new day and a new adventure will motivate them to move from the comfort of the warm bed.  predictability equals boredom so the expectation of a “sameoldsameold” day will make getting up difficult.  If today is the day that ANYTHING exciting MIGHT happen then they will be moved to move.  What is important is that Excites not know exactly what will happen and that many and different things could.  Playing with ideas and creating adventures can also happen in bed so Excites may be a little slow to get started in the morning.

Power BEACH dwellers are motivated by the possibility of something or someone to conquer.  A take over or a coup d’etat will move Powers to get up and get at it.  A good cause will also get a Power out of bed.  What is important is that they can be in charge of the day and make things happen as only then can.  An opportunity to move their body and have their presence felt will make their day.

The Peace BEACH dwellers will be comfortable and will want to stay in bed just a little longer.  Rocking the boat or the bed are not what Peace’s want to do.  They like the warm, conflict free, sleepy, slow-moving environment of coziness.  What will move them to action will be a desire for peace so if staying in bed may cause anyone else grief and raise the possibility of an unstable or tense situation then they will be moved to move.  Otherwise a Bed In is a great activity for the Peace’s.

Each of us experiences mornings differently and some of it will depend on the day before and where we are when we wake up. Are we on the Perfection, Connection, Success, Differentiation, Detachment, Security, Excitement, Power or Peace BEACH????

It is always comfortable for me to go back to the world of education.  I attended the CAPSLE Conference a couple of weeks ago.  CAPSLE stands for The Canadian Association for the Practical Study of Law in Education.  I love to hear lawyers talk about cases and get insight into the interpretation of language that is justice in our country.  I also appreciate the caring concern of school trustees and teacher union representatives as they work to create safe schools for everyone.  The timing of the conference is good.  We just finished our book on Principals in Schools and it is time for a new education project.  Maybe a discussion of mediation in education is next.  Ten years ago I spoke at CAPSLE on the subject.  There was little or no mediation going on in the field of education at that time.  I wonder if anything has changed.  No one really mentioned it at the conference except to say that the new Human Rights Tribunal in Ontario was offering the option of mediation to complainants to speed up the process.

http://www.trafford.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000177392 

The new book is out!  I am excited about it.  Some say it may bring on a little controversy.  I hope that means interest in the book will be high.  Marjorie Munroe, Mel Blitzer and I co-authored the new book on principals in schools called Principals: Faces of Change.  It is based on the research I did for my PhD and has the added influence and editing genius of Mel and Marjorie added in.  It is the story of five high school principals:  The Sherpa, The Gardener, The Coach, The Impresario and the The Rescuer.  Each approaches the job in a different way and each experiences success  as measured on Student Test Scores.  (That could be the controversial part!)

The Sherpa carries the administrative load for his teachers.  The Gardener nourishes and tends to his staff and their needs.  The Coach provides the instruction and encouragement from the sidelines.  The Impresario works from behind the scenes to create “The Greatest Show in Education”.  The Rescuer pulls staff and students from the fire and sets them on a safe and secure path to educational excellence.  All of the principals lead from the hallway.  They are Vicarious Leaders … accepting responsibility for things they experience and influence only through story and conversation. 

It has taken many years to get this book to print and I am proud of what we have accomplished.  The use of the metaphors creates archetypes for the role of principal.  Our proof readers could see themselves in each of the archetypes.  We envision a workshop this summer where principals will be asked to take on one of the roles and deal with difficult scenarios from educational adminstration through the lense of the metaphor.

Now we look to other metaphors for schools and school leaders.  Any suggestions???

With the book out and a plan in place for a five-day workshop , August 16-20, 2010 in Canmore, the work to market the book and workshop is beginning.  We are all so confused about how to go about getting the word out in an effective way.  We have contracted with someone to get some of the social media going and I am mentioning it here so that you can tell your friends.  We are sending out 5*7 cards to promote the book and the workshop through the mail.  We will likely get an ad in the ATA Magazine and its equivalents across Canada.  If you can thing of other avenues to get the word out please let me know.

Any way it is good to be back in the saddle with the Blog.  See you again, soon.

I am writing at my computer rather than watch the USA Canada Gold Medal Hockey game that is on TV in the next room and happening in an arena about 5 blocks from where I am.  I have spent the last 2 weeks here in Vancouver, loving every minute of it.  It has been exciting and emotional.  The city is alive with Vancouverites and people from around the world.

I can’t watch the game.  Too much is at stake.  I want so much for Canadians to win and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be on the ice.  The intensity is so interesting.  So many people are caught up in that wouldn’t normally watch hockey but two countries have some to their sets to watch. Who will win and who will win silver.  It is not such a bad game to be in because you are a winner just by being their.  Many times this week we have heard that as a condolence to those who missed the gold or a silver or a bronze by this ()much.

It is important to our counties and to the world to watch the Canadians and the Americans battle it out.  The best in the world have come to play .. not just hockey but ice and snow sports of all kinds.  How lucky are we to live in the land of ice and snow???  VERY.  how wonderful that we have conquered our environment rather than allow it to conquer us.  I love this country and its seasons and I am PROUD of what we have accomplished here in Vancouver.  But I can’t watch the game.

When it is over I will be attending the Closing Ceremonies. More emotion and greater pride as I watch my countries athletes enter the stadium to be recognized with the best in the world.  Canada has welcomed the world and it is very sad to say goodbye.

Listening with HEART

In conversations that matter it is always important to speak gently so the other person can keep listening; to be honest and share your own thoughts and feelings; to be open to hearing what is being said and allowing it to influence your own ideas; to be specific and use examples for clarity and to keeping talking until a mutually agreeable plan of action emerges.  The acronym GHOST helps people to remember these elements. Gentle, Honest, Open, Specific Talk.

Listening is also a skill that has several elements to it.  To listen deeply the listener can learn to listen with HEART.

Hush:  Be still and centred. Focus on the content, the process and response of the speaker in the moment.  Quiet your own thoughts and feelings and honour the speaker with your attention.

Empathise:  Place yourself in the others context.  Image what it might be like for them. This is a quiet empathy that allows you, the listener, to feel their pain or joy and to walk a mile with them. Be curious about how it is for them.

Attend:  Pay attention to the words, tone of voice, pace of speech, changes in intonation, and changes in body position or facial expressions.  JUST NOTICE. What do you see and hear that will help you better understand what is going on?

Reflect:  As you attend and empathise, reflect back what you experience with your own body and facial expressions.  Act as a silent mirror for the speaker so they can see what they are projecting.

Trust:  Trust that the speaker is telling his or her truth.  They are doing the best they can with what they know.   The speaker will know if you are genuine with your acceptance of what they are saying.  Know and trust that what they are telling you is what is true for them.

 Listening deeply … with HEART … gives the speaker the gift of attention that will lead to them sharing information that may not otherwise have surfaced.  Once you have listened … until they are finished … then you can prove that you were listening with the POWER tool.  Paraphrase, Open questions, WAIT, Empathise, and Reframe give the speaker evidence that you have heard what they have said and gives them a chance to correct any misconceptions or assumptions that the listener may have made. 

All three tools, GHOST, HEART and POWER and their elements add to the quality of the conversation which improves the quality of the relationship. In February, which is HEART month, remember to Hush, Empathise, Attend, Reflect and Trust so that your relationships can grow and be sustained.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDVMhgFqUEM  check out our You Tube Video on the Elements of the Listening with HEART skill.

As an Intervenor (coach or mediator or trainer)  I am expected to be impartial.  What does that mean?

Impartiality only goes as far as our assumptions about each other.  We intend to remain impartial and yet we find ourselves in situations that call for a stand on something.  We call ourselves impartial and yet we BELIEVE that what we are doing is helpful.  We say we are impartial and yet we may support the underdog in order to arrive at a FAIR agreement.  Can we be impartial?   ‘Be’ no.  ‘Act’ yes.  As interveners we can act with impartiality.  We can behave in a way that allows clients to feel that we are not taking sides, that we see the big picture and are supporting the common good.  Yet even that support of something bigger than us is partial, is it not? Because we are acting in service of the greater good, the relationship or something other than ourselves we assume ourselves to be acting impartially.  I am not convinced. True impartiality has no, repeat NO, attachment to outcome and no judgement of what a ‘good’ outcome ought to include.

Humans are partial.  They are partial to each other or to causes.  That’s what they are.  There is no escaping it.  Accepting that, we can still hold the clients in equal stead as we move toward a resolution that honours everyone and the situation as presented.  That is the most we can ask of ourselves.

A dirth of opportunity to write in blogspace has brought me here.  I am writing again for the first time in this new year wondering to myself “where has the decade gone?’

A new decade … wow.  This is the sixth decade I have seen start.  Wierd.  Time flies.

Decades, like any fraction of time, seem long from the front and shorter from the back.  Perspectives change.  We grow and our world changes and looking back we wonder how we spent the time and how it could have slipped away from us like that. An hour, a day, a week … all present us with this shift of perspective.  Anticipation and hindsight are so very different.

Over this past decade I anticipated becoming a writer, a scholar, a grandmother, a wife, a Calgarian and I did.  I under estimated in my anticipation the work each of those roles would take and how much time and energy would be needed to accomplish all that I set out to do.  I know there are people who are better at that than me.  They know how to focus their time and energy and accomplish major feats, become well-known, building empires while maintaining work life balance.

I have been so lucky this past decade.  I had the good fortune to have the resources to balance my life.  I did almost everything part-time or at least full-time in spurts.  More the later as I wrote in spurts and taught in intense five-day sessions and assumed the responsibilities of family and friends when I was needed.  It has worked well for me and I have been able, with the support of others accomplish a lot.

What off the decade ahead?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Last year I thought I wanted to work less and write more.  This year I think I want to continue the writing and finish what I have started but I also want to work more, be more connected with people in the world and less resistant to meeting new people and having new adventures.  I think I was tired of the travelling last year and needed a break and, as it turned out, my friends and family needed me.

Over this next decade I want to build an empire. I want to work hard at promoting our product and sell it to more and more people to use in their lives.  How do you have conversations?  How can we help you learn how to do conversations better?  I know we can and I know that we can make the world a better place  – one conversation at a time. 

The question that has haunted us over the last decade is how to bring the PULSE conversation to the market.  Each year we make attempts to build on what we have done the year before and over time, slowly we have gathered a following of appreciative clients and friends of PULSE.  It needs to go to the next level.  I am still unsure of the next steps.  I only know that intention is everything and if we set the intention to sell PULSE to the world then that is the best first step we can make.  Are you with me???

I just figured out how to use pages!!!  Almost two years later.  A liitle slow on the uptake.  I have added a page called Dear Dr. Love where I can answer questions.  I am also thinking about taking the categories and creating pages.  Experienced bloggers will have to help me undersatnd the advantages and disadvantages of that.  I do believe that a reorg will make this more accessible for everyone.  Thanks for staying with me….

Do you make lists?  I do.  I make lists about everything and the most important lists are BIG and POSTED.  Sometimes it helps me get things done and other times it just serves to feed my guilt about not getting around to things.

Here is my list of things to write blogs about…

Ethnography of each BEACH

PULSE in Politics

Conversations that work

Conversations that change people’s mind – reference Howard Gardener

Conversations for Leaders – words create worlds

World Peace One Conversation at a Time. Views from Jordan, Ghana and Canada

Conversation Institutes powered by PULSE

42 a reprise

A Whole New PULSE Mind – reference Daniel Pink

Leadership from the nine perspectives ( 1-9)

The 360 Degree Conversation – where all 40 Degree segments are represented

The Six Freedoms from the perspectives (another full nine blog titles here)

I could go on … but that will be enough guilt for me to deal with for at least 12 months.  Let’s watch and see.  You can help me by prioritizing.  Which would you like to know more about now????

 I love to write and findit even more rewarding when I know there is someone there listening. 

You may notice that I started a second blog called “Dear Dr. Love”  which I started so that the questions I anser in emails might find a wider audience.  Send me your questions on mediation… or any other kind of conversation …  I will have a go.