Nancy Love’s Weblog

It is always comfortable for me to go back to the world of education.  I attended the CAPSLE Conference a couple of weeks ago.  CAPSLE stands for The Canadian Association for the Practical Study of Law in Education.  I love to hear lawyers talk about cases and get insight into the interpretation of language that is justice in our country.  I also appreciate the caring concern of school trustees and teacher union representatives as they work to create safe schools for everyone.  The timing of the conference is good.  We just finished our book on Principals in Schools and it is time for a new education project.  Maybe a discussion of mediation in education is next.  Ten years ago I spoke at CAPSLE on the subject.  There was little or no mediation going on in the field of education at that time.  I wonder if anything has changed.  No one really mentioned it at the conference except to say that the new Human Rights Tribunal in Ontario was offering the option of mediation to complainants to speed up the process.

http://www.trafford.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000177392 

The new book is out!  I am excited about it.  Some say it may bring on a little controversy.  I hope that means interest in the book will be high.  Marjorie Munroe, Mel Blitzer and I co-authored the new book on principals in schools called Principals: Faces of Change.  It is based on the research I did for my PhD and has the added influence and editing genius of Mel and Marjorie added in.  It is the story of five high school principals:  The Sherpa, The Gardener, The Coach, The Impresario and the The Rescuer.  Each approaches the job in a different way and each experiences success  as measured on Student Test Scores.  (That could be the controversial part!)

The Sherpa carries the administrative load for his teachers.  The Gardener nourishes and tends to his staff and their needs.  The Coach provides the instruction and encouragement from the sidelines.  The Impresario works from behind the scenes to create “The Greatest Show in Education”.  The Rescuer pulls staff and students from the fire and sets them on a safe and secure path to educational excellence.  All of the principals lead from the hallway.  They are Vicarious Leaders … accepting responsibility for things they experience and influence only through story and conversation. 

It has taken many years to get this book to print and I am proud of what we have accomplished.  The use of the metaphors creates archetypes for the role of principal.  Our proof readers could see themselves in each of the archetypes.  We envision a workshop this summer where principals will be asked to take on one of the roles and deal with difficult scenarios from educational adminstration through the lense of the metaphor.

Now we look to other metaphors for schools and school leaders.  Any suggestions???

With the book out and a plan in place for a five-day workshop , August 16-20, 2010 in Canmore, the work to market the book and workshop is beginning.  We are all so confused about how to go about getting the word out in an effective way.  We have contracted with someone to get some of the social media going and I am mentioning it here so that you can tell your friends.  We are sending out 5*7 cards to promote the book and the workshop through the mail.  We will likely get an ad in the ATA Magazine and its equivalents across Canada.  If you can thing of other avenues to get the word out please let me know.

Any way it is good to be back in the saddle with the Blog.  See you again, soon.

I am writing at my computer rather than watch the USA Canada Gold Medal Hockey game that is on TV in the next room and happening in an arena about 5 blocks from where I am.  I have spent the last 2 weeks here in Vancouver, loving every minute of it.  It has been exciting and emotional.  The city is alive with Vancouverites and people from around the world.

I can’t watch the game.  Too much is at stake.  I want so much for Canadians to win and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be on the ice.  The intensity is so interesting.  So many people are caught up in that wouldn’t normally watch hockey but two countries have some to their sets to watch. Who will win and who will win silver.  It is not such a bad game to be in because you are a winner just by being their.  Many times this week we have heard that as a condolence to those who missed the gold or a silver or a bronze by this ()much.

It is important to our counties and to the world to watch the Canadians and the Americans battle it out.  The best in the world have come to play .. not just hockey but ice and snow sports of all kinds.  How lucky are we to live in the land of ice and snow???  VERY.  how wonderful that we have conquered our environment rather than allow it to conquer us.  I love this country and its seasons and I am PROUD of what we have accomplished here in Vancouver.  But I can’t watch the game.

When it is over I will be attending the Closing Ceremonies. More emotion and greater pride as I watch my countries athletes enter the stadium to be recognized with the best in the world.  Canada has welcomed the world and it is very sad to say goodbye.

Listening with HEART

In conversations that matter it is always important to speak gently so the other person can keep listening; to be honest and share your own thoughts and feelings; to be open to hearing what is being said and allowing it to influence your own ideas; to be specific and use examples for clarity and to keeping talking until a mutually agreeable plan of action emerges.  The acronym GHOST helps people to remember these elements. Gentle, Honest, Open, Specific Talk.

Listening is also a skill that has several elements to it.  To listen deeply the listener can learn to listen with HEART.

Hush:  Be still and centred. Focus on the content, the process and response of the speaker in the moment.  Quiet your own thoughts and feelings and honour the speaker with your attention.

Empathise:  Place yourself in the others context.  Image what it might be like for them. This is a quiet empathy that allows you, the listener, to feel their pain or joy and to walk a mile with them. Be curious about how it is for them.

Attend:  Pay attention to the words, tone of voice, pace of speech, changes in intonation, and changes in body position or facial expressions.  JUST NOTICE. What do you see and hear that will help you better understand what is going on?

Reflect:  As you attend and empathise, reflect back what you experience with your own body and facial expressions.  Act as a silent mirror for the speaker so they can see what they are projecting.

Trust:  Trust that the speaker is telling his or her truth.  They are doing the best they can with what they know.   The speaker will know if you are genuine with your acceptance of what they are saying.  Know and trust that what they are telling you is what is true for them.

 Listening deeply … with HEART … gives the speaker the gift of attention that will lead to them sharing information that may not otherwise have surfaced.  Once you have listened … until they are finished … then you can prove that you were listening with the POWER tool.  Paraphrase, Open questions, WAIT, Empathise, and Reframe give the speaker evidence that you have heard what they have said and gives them a chance to correct any misconceptions or assumptions that the listener may have made. 

All three tools, GHOST, HEART and POWER and their elements add to the quality of the conversation which improves the quality of the relationship. In February, which is HEART month, remember to Hush, Empathise, Attend, Reflect and Trust so that your relationships can grow and be sustained.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDVMhgFqUEM  check out our You Tube Video on the Elements of the Listening with HEART skill.

As an Intervenor (coach or mediator or trainer)  I am expected to be impartial.  What does that mean?

Impartiality only goes as far as our assumptions about each other.  We intend to remain impartial and yet we find ourselves in situations that call for a stand on something.  We call ourselves impartial and yet we BELIEVE that what we are doing is helpful.  We say we are impartial and yet we may support the underdog in order to arrive at a FAIR agreement.  Can we be impartial?   ‘Be’ no.  ‘Act’ yes.  As interveners we can act with impartiality.  We can behave in a way that allows clients to feel that we are not taking sides, that we see the big picture and are supporting the common good.  Yet even that support of something bigger than us is partial, is it not? Because we are acting in service of the greater good, the relationship or something other than ourselves we assume ourselves to be acting impartially.  I am not convinced. True impartiality has no, repeat NO, attachment to outcome and no judgement of what a ‘good’ outcome ought to include.

Humans are partial.  They are partial to each other or to causes.  That’s what they are.  There is no escaping it.  Accepting that, we can still hold the clients in equal stead as we move toward a resolution that honours everyone and the situation as presented.  That is the most we can ask of ourselves.

A dirth of opportunity to write in blogspace has brought me here.  I am writing again for the first time in this new year wondering to myself “where has the decade gone?’

A new decade … wow.  This is the sixth decade I have seen start.  Wierd.  Time flies.

Decades, like any fraction of time, seem long from the front and shorter from the back.  Perspectives change.  We grow and our world changes and looking back we wonder how we spent the time and how it could have slipped away from us like that. An hour, a day, a week … all present us with this shift of perspective.  Anticipation and hindsight are so very different.

Over this past decade I anticipated becoming a writer, a scholar, a grandmother, a wife, a Calgarian and I did.  I under estimated in my anticipation the work each of those roles would take and how much time and energy would be needed to accomplish all that I set out to do.  I know there are people who are better at that than me.  They know how to focus their time and energy and accomplish major feats, become well-known, building empires while maintaining work life balance.

I have been so lucky this past decade.  I had the good fortune to have the resources to balance my life.  I did almost everything part-time or at least full-time in spurts.  More the later as I wrote in spurts and taught in intense five-day sessions and assumed the responsibilities of family and friends when I was needed.  It has worked well for me and I have been able, with the support of others accomplish a lot.

What off the decade ahead?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Last year I thought I wanted to work less and write more.  This year I think I want to continue the writing and finish what I have started but I also want to work more, be more connected with people in the world and less resistant to meeting new people and having new adventures.  I think I was tired of the travelling last year and needed a break and, as it turned out, my friends and family needed me.

Over this next decade I want to build an empire. I want to work hard at promoting our product and sell it to more and more people to use in their lives.  How do you have conversations?  How can we help you learn how to do conversations better?  I know we can and I know that we can make the world a better place  – one conversation at a time. 

The question that has haunted us over the last decade is how to bring the PULSE conversation to the market.  Each year we make attempts to build on what we have done the year before and over time, slowly we have gathered a following of appreciative clients and friends of PULSE.  It needs to go to the next level.  I am still unsure of the next steps.  I only know that intention is everything and if we set the intention to sell PULSE to the world then that is the best first step we can make.  Are you with me???

I just figured out how to use pages!!!  Almost two years later.  A liitle slow on the uptake.  I have added a page called Dear Dr. Love where I can answer questions.  I am also thinking about taking the categories and creating pages.  Experienced bloggers will have to help me undersatnd the advantages and disadvantages of that.  I do believe that a reorg will make this more accessible for everyone.  Thanks for staying with me….

Do you make lists?  I do.  I make lists about everything and the most important lists are BIG and POSTED.  Sometimes it helps me get things done and other times it just serves to feed my guilt about not getting around to things.

Here is my list of things to write blogs about…

Ethnography of each BEACH

PULSE in Politics

Conversations that work

Conversations that change people’s mind – reference Howard Gardener

Conversations for Leaders – words create worlds

World Peace One Conversation at a Time. Views from Jordan, Ghana and Canada

Conversation Institutes powered by PULSE

42 a reprise

A Whole New PULSE Mind – reference Daniel Pink

Leadership from the nine perspectives ( 1-9)

The 360 Degree Conversation – where all 40 Degree segments are represented

The Six Freedoms from the perspectives (another full nine blog titles here)

I could go on … but that will be enough guilt for me to deal with for at least 12 months.  Let’s watch and see.  You can help me by prioritizing.  Which would you like to know more about now????

 I love to write and findit even more rewarding when I know there is someone there listening. 

You may notice that I started a second blog called “Dear Dr. Love”  which I started so that the questions I anser in emails might find a wider audience.  Send me your questions on mediation… or any other kind of conversation …  I will have a go.

Dwell in Possibility – words of Emily Dickinson.  What do destiny and possibility have to do with each other?  How do you know which is destiny?? Is it always the one you choose?  Each Monday provides a new set of possibilities and sorting out which belongs to your destiny can be tricky.  Today I am overwhelmed be possibility.  There is so much to do, to chase, to complete.  I have been away from the writing for months but the thinking has followed me and now I do not know where to begin.  Sorting out the possibilities from the destiny is so important right now as it is every Monday.

Monday, Monday … Can’t trust that day. – The Mamas and the Papas.  I remember setting out a list of things to do on Monday and invariably completing it on the Friday.  It is a day for beginning again.  It’s promiss of time and energy to complete the list of tasks is often over stated and it takes the full week to knock off the tasks one by one.  At least that has been my experience.  Mondays seem to fill with surprises and unforeseen adventures or interruptions that do not allow for the list to be completed.  I have many things on today’s list that I am not confident will get done today and will become Tuesday’s to-dos.

Monday can be your friend if you are looking for a new start.  It is a good day to change your eating habits or your exercise habits.  It is a good day to start fresh on a project that needs a new approach.  The rest that occurred on the weekend can provide a change in perspective.  Even if no rest was achieved a change in venue and in people to interact with can also provide new insight on an old problem.  A change is as good as a rest or so they say.

Monday can also be your enemy if it takes you back to a workplace where you do not feel welcomed or where toxicity is evident in the encounters that your coworkers are having with each other.  It is tiring to go to war each Monday, to battle hostility or depression in a place where people do not care about each other or the work at hand.  The weapons to fight these battles can be simple and effective.  Gentle Honest Open Specific Talk is one.  Empathy – Listening with HEART is another.  Valuing the differences and identifying for people their underlying criteria for a better future may be all that is required to begin the change.  Monday is a good day to start.

Happy Monday everyone.  May you find your destiny in the possibilities that present themselves today.  Let me know how it goes.

Busy is a funny word.  It doesn’t look like it sounds and when you add ‘ness’ it becomes business which also is not pronounced the way you might predict if you were learning English as a second language. I have been busy lately. 

When someone asks me how I am or how things are going I often answer “busy” .  Sometimes I mean happy, healthy busy and sometimes I mean crazy, tired busy.  Either way it is like I am on a “bus” that keeps moving and doesn’t slow down or stop for any length of time for a person to catch their breath and regroup.

Most of the time I enjoy being busy… I seek “busyness”… and one of the things that keeps me busy is to see “business”.  I guess that might be the connection.  The business of being busy leads to more business.  This is really a stretch and I think I am going to need some help to make this mean something.

I must be tired, like the bicycle that couldn’t stand on its own because it was two tired.

Sunday I head to Richmond, Virginia to speak at the Virginia Mediation Network Conference.  I hope to see some of you there.  I think I may need some rest before then.  Goodnight.