Nancy Love’s Weblog

Do you have friends who feel it is their job to criticize and correct you at every turn?  Do you have people in your life for whom nothing or no one is good enough? Do these people suck the positivity out of every conversation and out of you when you let them?  And is not letting them get to you more work than you counted on?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the energy it takes to manage relationships. I want to run away and hide.  I am pretty skilled at talking to people and think I am open to the possibilities that people present but sometimes they lean on me too hard.  I just want to shout out them “There are other was to deal with life besides burdening your self and others.”

The “glass half empty” crowd can’t see what is good in their life and don’t seem to be able to take the time to count blessings or be grateful for what they have.  they blame the world for their woes and expect others to rescue them from life itself.  For them it is difficult to find the joy, the pleasure in getting up in the morning and letting the sunshine on them.  “It is too hot.” they complain.

The other crowd that irks me sometimes is the ‘helpless’ crowd.  These people can do nothing for themselves and do not have enough confidence to even try to fix anything or any situation.  They cry for help and sit back and watch as other people solve their problems for them and them complain because they are not smart or capable but do nothing to rectify the situation.  Those people make me tired and I can only handle being around them for so long before I need to find the ‘helpful and capable’ and ‘half full’ crowds to replenish my energy.

I guard against becoming ‘helpless’ and ‘half empty’ by retreating to treat myself to some down time to rejuvenate and to pay attention to the syncronistic ways of the world.  I am not sure if that is cowardly or not.  I like to think of it as survival mode.  What about you?

Just got back from an exhausting and exhilarating jaunt to NYC.  I love the big apple as do many others.  There were hundreds of thousands of visitors in New York at the same time as I was.  That is what makes it vibrant and that is also what makes it exhausting.  Although you see lots of smiles on the street you also see lots of disconnects as people live separate lives together.  New Yorkers rarely make eye contact.  Visitors are so awestruck by the sites they don’t even watch where they are going and there are line ups everywhere.  It is apparent to me as I watch people in line ups that the human race has yet to develop a strategy for maintaining patience while in line. In the US they say ‘on’ line.  That might be because it gets ‘on’ your nerves.  To see the Statue of Liberty you stand in line for the tickets and then you stand in line for the boat.  It is an all day affair and people choose to do it.

We choose not to stand on-line, looked at Lady Liberty from afar and moved on to other places of interest.  For me the statue which was a gift from France is symbolic of the wonderful opportunities offered to immigrants to the US and for them it is a shrine.  That is understandable.  It also shows the connection between France and the US and I heard many people speaking Parisian French on the streets and in the parks of Manhattan.  Their presence is felt as is the presence of the Italian immigrants.  There are so many restaurants offering Italian and French cuisine. The four we tried were excellent.  Good food, good wine and good friends – a vacation to remember. And an opportunity to study people in crowds and begin to understand how some people thrive in these settings where others cannot cope with the lack of both privacy and intimacy in the big city.

A crucible for conflict of many kinds, New York survives.

Let me first say thank you to the Tracy Myers for a wonderful email and a great honour.  Visit the http://www.onlinehumanresourcedegrees.net/conflict-resolution website to read the very nice comments on this blog.

The title of this blog is a great line from Stephen Fry on George tonight.  Brilliant man with lots of insight into the human condition.  I am often impressed by the guests on George Stombolopoulous’ Show.  He is also a brilliant man and an effective host.  I met him once and was very impressed by his friendly smile and handshake and his genuine interest in people, including me.

We are all equally afraid and uncertain … maybe of different things.  We also demonstrate that fear and uncertainty in different ways.  Some people move toward us in their anger.  Some move with and some move away.  For some the trigger is found in the past.  For others it is the present and for others the fear is the results of what we think lies ahead in the future.    Here is a reminder of the 3 by 3 chart that helps you detect the direction and orientation of people in conversation.  It will also show you where people find their fear and uncertainty.  Knowing that makes it easier to address the fears and uncertainty with an appreciative POWER tool.

The PULSE BEACHs –9 Perceptions

Beliefs, Expectations, Assumptions, Concerns and Hopes

Last week in Calgary a couple of wonderful things happened.  First of all AAMS – The Alberta Arbitration and Mediation Society –  announced that they will be partnering with us to sponsor the PULSE program for workplace mediation.  That is very exciting.  I am looking forward to the opportunities that this arrangement will afford us.

Secondly, we hosted two PULSE courses.  Marjorie facilitated PULSE mediation level 1 while I facilitated PULSE mediation level 2.  I had the opportunity to be a role player and to get into the persona of one of my former mediation clients to play an authentic role for the new mediators in my class.  It was enlightening to say the least.  The difference between level 1 where we don’t play stump the mediator and level 2 is that we try to make things more realistic in order to prepare people for what they will face in the mediation room.  The idea is to take competent PULSE Deltas who can facilitate mediation meetings and mold them into PULSE practitioners who are comfortable using the tools and structure in what ever situation they find themselves.

For me, as role player I experienced the PULSE Frame in a new way.  Although the mediators were interjecting to keep the conversation on track, I didn’t find it intrusive or demeaning.  I found it quite helpful to have someone remind us of the path toward resolution we were on.  My novice mediators were effective with the timing of their interventions and resourceful in the face of a difficult highly emotional situation.  They did an excellent job of bringing us to resolution.  What is ironic is that what was missing for me as participant was the empathy.  That is ironic because it is the one thing that I have to work extra hard to do in my own mediations.

I live on excitement BEACH most of the time which means I look for fun and avoid pain of any kind, so emotionality is rare for me and I really don’t know what to do with it when it shows up … at least it isn’t natural for me to empathize.  Even on my other BEACHS, Power and Detachment, there is a tendency to ignore or minimize the emotional aspect of things.  So there I was in someone elses shoes thinking,  “This hurts and no one has mentioned it.”  Huge lesson for me.  One I will not soon forget.

Don’t forget to tell all of your friends about the PULSE Conference in Vancouver in August.

I am in Vancouver today and the sun is shining.  There is no other place on earth that is as wonderful, in my humble opinion, than Vancouver in the sunshine.  I can see Mount Baker, False Creek and Vancouver Harbour from my balcony.  I can also see West Georgia Street where the crowds will gather tonight to watch the Canucks on the big screen tv.  There is so much energy in this city right now.  People coming together to support their sports teams is an interesting phenomenon.  Even on the street where there are tens of thousands of people, no one talks while the game is on. But even when I am away from my tv I can hear what is happening from the crowd and I know when to go to watch the replay.

I love the way Canadians get together over hockey.  There are no specific cultural groups of what I call Hypenated Canadians who are not represented in the crowds here in Vancouver.  It is a multicultural city and everyone is IN.  I am a European – Canadian.  My heritage includes Channel Islands, Scotland and Spain.  There are many people in the crowds who look like me but many more that don’t.   I think it is telling that it is not how you look in Vancouver that gives away your heritage so much as the way that you sound.  Language is the distinguisher here and in many multicultural countries.  Language will usually reveal the generation of Canadian someone is.  I like to listen and guess.  Accents, patterns, pace all provide more clues about who the person is.  All we have to do is listen.  Looking is not enough.

tetra

When I was in Phoenix, I awoke one morning with the map of the complex PULSE Frame in my head. I have been working to free it to the paper ever since. Imagine the three sided PULSE Frame as an equilateral triangle. Now expand your vision by adding another dimension so that now you have a tetrahedron, a shape with four equilateral triangles. One serves as the base and the others wrap around the sides of the front face. If you unfold that tetrahedron out so that it lays flat you get a larger equilateral triangle, one at the top and three that fit inside each other to form the base. Are you with me?

Let’s look at each of the four triangles individually.

The first one at the top of the new larger triangle is the PULSE Frame with four parallel lines that divide it into five sections that we call Prepare, Uncover, Learn, Search and Explain. Prepare is the base of the triangle and it gives it its strength. If you further divide Preapre into equilateral triangles you get 9. Uncover divides into 7. Learn into 5 and Search into 3 and Explain is another equilateral triangle. These braces strengthen the structure and form diamonds and triangles galore – glorious triangles and diamonds.

Each of those triangles is full of meaning. PREPARE – 9 internal triangles

1. Set the tone and welcome: This is where the Delta or Conversation Leader works to create a welcoming and safe environment for inquiry. This is where the curiousity begins. “Thank you for coming” sets the voluntary nature of the conversation.

2. State the Purpose: Identifying out loud the purpose of the meeting makes it clear to everyone that we are here to come up with a plan … not just to Talk about things … but to talk about them until a mutually agreeable resolution has been reached.

3. Outline the Protocol: Invite parties to speak Gently and Honestly, to be Open to what is being said and to be Specific and use examples. Let them know that this kind of conversation works best when people agree to Talk , to say what is on their mind in a gentle way so that the other person can keep listening.

4. Describe the Process: The Process has five guiding questions … How will the conversation proceed, What is the conversation about, Why is it important to them, What could they do and What do they agree to do …. and five stages … Prepare, where the delta talks to the parties, Uncover where the parties speak individually, one at a time to the Delta; Learn where the parties have a chance to speak directly to each other; Search where the parties have an opportunity to brainstorm possible actions; and Explain where the parties work with the Delta to create a detailed plan of what they agree to do.

5. Establish Confidentiality or Audience: Theses kind of conversation work best when people feel comfortable about saying things they may otherwise keep to themselves. Agreeing to keep a level of confidentiality that makes it possible for them to share is important. Establishing who needs to know about the conversation and about the Plan of action that will result from the meeting at the beginning is important. Even if decisions about who sees the plan change when once it is written is revisited later, introducing it hear is important.

6. Determine Authority: The questions here are aimed at focusing the dialogue around things that are within the circle of influence or authority of the people in the room. If parties have come to resolve or decide on something that they have no power to change, then the conversation purpose changes. The Delta’s role is to keep them on topics that they do have the authority to do something about.

7. Describe Roles: The role of the Delta or Conversation Leader is to direct traffic, to ask the questions and record the answers, to listen and to guide the conversation using the PULSE skills to release the power of the participants to create a future together. The role of the parties is to stay engaged and use the protocol until the process is complete.

8. Set a Time: These kinds of conversations are most efficient and effective when they are scheduled for 60 to 90 minutes. PULSE conversation can also occur at the water cooler or over a five day retreat. Brief encounters can follow the structure and have great outcomes as can strategic planning sessions. Setting the time at the beginning helps people focus on the topic at hand because they know that it is for a designated amount of time.

9. Invite parties to the next level: Are you ready to proceed? Establishing a commitment to the purpose, process, protocol, level of confidentiality and authority, the roles and the time means establishing a commitment to the conversation and the relationship and the outcome it is the first step in shifting responsibility for the outcome to the parties.

UNCOVER – 7 internal triangles

1. Ask: What? What are you here to resolve? What is the title of the story that brought people to this conversation? What are the circumstances from the past that have brought people? Parties talk to the Delta at this point, one at a time to describe the situation from their Perspective. This is where the Delta begins to identify the unique Perspective of each participant and begins to listen for what might be shared.

2. Hush: Just listen. Quiet your mind and pay attention.

3. Empathise: silently. Imagine how it is from their perspective.

4. Attend: Watch body language, and facial expressions. Look for emotional response. Listen to the choice of language, pace and tone.

5. Reflect: Build rapport by matching and mismatching what you see, hear and experience.

6. Trust: Trust that people are doing the best they can with what they know.

7. Name the title or circumstance: Listen for the common title that all participants can agree is the thing they are there to do something about….. a one word title for the story. And invite participants to speak to each other in the next piece.

LEARN – 5 internal triangles

Although this piece of the Frame requires the patient, deep listening of HEART, it also requires the more deliberate evidence of listen provided with POWER.

1. Paraphrase: Show parties that you have heard what they have said by repeating it back to them or using similar words to represents the ideas they have shared.

2. Open questions: Use open questions to let them lead the conversation and to encourage them to think about what’s important to them or what’s missing.

3. Wait: “Why Am I Talking” Listen. Give them time to think and consider what has been said. Honour the time it takes to work it through. Let them have the responsibility for the answers.

4. Empathise: Name the level of emotion so that they know you “get it”. “You feel strongly” … or “this has been difficult” … work well.

5. Reframe: Identify unique and common Beliefs, Expectations, Assumptions, Concerns and Hopes … what is missing … the criteria for a collaborative future.

SEARCH – 3 internal triangles

As they Brainstorm, say nothing, capture their ideas and pay attention to …

1. Content: Are they on topic?

2. Process: Are they describing future actions?

3. Response: Are they calmer now and have they shifted to a place where they can see each other’s perspectives without necessarily agreeing with it.

EXPLAIN 1 triangle

1. The tip – the pinnacle – the plan: Is the possibility of a successful relationship firmly in place?

Triangle 2 of the larger tetrahedron forms the base of the tetrahedron when it is folded. Triangle 2 is also a tetrahedron that folds up inside the bigger one and spins to create the centrifugal force that keeps the conversation moving forward. What I see there are the skills that support the PULSE Frame and Process. Each of the faces of this smaller tetrahedron represents a set of skills. The three outside faces are divided into five sections like the Front face of the PULSE Frame. Each section is labelled starting at the base – Gentle Honest Open Specific Talk – on one face. Another face has the same five sections labelled from the base – Paraphrase, Open question, Wait, Empathise, Reframe. And the third face is divided into five sections and labelled starting at the base – Hush, Empathise, Attend, Reflect and Trust. The inner triangle which forms the base of the inner tetrahedron when it is folded contains the wheel of change and the five associated skills – Normalizing, Confronting, Transparency, Bridging and Immediacy.

Triangle 3 is to the left of 2. It represents the Response support for the PULSE Conversation. Inside this triangle you find the three points form triangles of their own and the space that is left is filled with a circle with 9 points and sections each with a forty degree view of the world. These are the nine BEACHS, sets of Beliefs, Expectations, Assumptions, Concerns and Hopes, the perspectives or frames of reference that people bring to PULSE Conversations. The Enneagram connector lines are also present in the diagram. There is a triangle inside the circle and lines connecting the other 6 points. The three other triangles that lie outside the circle are labelled. The bottom left is Freeze, the top centre is Fight and the bottom right is Flight. These are the human reflexes related to fear and threat that often lead to a need for structured conversation.

Triangle 4 to the right of 2 on the larger tetrahedron represents the content support for the PULSE Frame and Conversations. This is the power of Appreciative Inquiry. There you find a hexagon within the triangle which is further divided into six triangles and outside of the hexagon are three more triangles one at each of the three original angles. The top three triangles of the hexagon are labelled “To be Positive”, “To be Heard”, “To be Known”. The bottom three triangles are labelled “to choose”, “to act”, “to dream”. These six sections represent the six freedoms created in PULSE. The three outside triangles are labelled too. The lower left is Release. The upper point is Relax and the lower right is Relate. These are the automatic reflexes experienced by human beings when the threat is removed. A rotating image of the PULSE Complex Conversation If you know the PULSE Frame you will begin to see the strength and complexity of it visually represented with this new map. Setting the triangles in place creates the cross beams that lend the strength that is otherwise invisible but is always there, holding the conversation in place.

This is an excerpt from the new book … The Complex PULSE that I am writing for the Advanced PULSE Practitioners who are coming to Calgary in a couple of weeks. Comments and questions are welcome…..

So my daughters and I are in Aruba. It is a beautiful “sand bar” in the Caribbean Sea. We are having a beach vacation. We are enjoying the sun and the sand and the sea. The food is good. We are reading books and relaxing together. The “together” is the best part.

It is early morning and overcast at the moment but the sun has shone everyday and the temperature is in the low 30’s. It has been very pleasant and rejuvenating.

Most of what I know I learned from people who are a head of me on the road of life.  They look back at the path I am on and point and say… “don’t trip on that stick…” or they stand beside me and warn … “around that corner there are often animals in the bushes waiting for you to hesitate…”  Sometime the message arrives in peculiar ways, like when a dream wakes you and you SEE things differently.

This morning I was dreaming and, upon awakening, I came to a realisation.  I am a story-teller.  Not that insightful but interesting new information for me.  AND my stories are often comic tragedy.  I tell people about all of the things that go wrong so they can enjoy the story and so that they hope, as I do, it never happens to them.  Tragically things do go wrong for me. Too many things….  The air travel stories I could tell….  The hotel stories ….  The training stories ….  All based on strings of events that lead to outrageous situations  where I become the tragically funny victim. 

Time for a change …  The flip side of those stories is equally entertaining and true.  I have travelled to wonderful places and had many “pinch me” moments in my travelling and during my training events in many places.  Those are the stories to be told.  I here by pledge to resist the one-upmanship of telling a worse tale of woe than the person who is complaining to me and to never use the words “That’s nothing… do you know what happened to me???”

No more victim stories. No more villain stories either … you know … the ones where you get even.  I tell those too.  So no victim or villain.  That only leaves hero stories.  I feel my neck tighten as I write that.  My experience in our society has made the hero story something that is told by others.  It is uncomfortable and yet very necessary if you are to be successful in this world. 

One of my strongest mentors is my cousin Joan who recently retired from the Senate of Canada.  Once while I was visiting her in Ottawa, I listened while she had a conversations with a Cabinet Minister.  As we walked away she said to me….”If I don’t tell him what I have done on the Senate Committee, who will?”   She is right of course.  Who beside you knows the contribution you have made? Tell the world.  Tell the good stories. And if you can make it funny … even better.  Let me work on that.

The next stage of the PULSE Institute began this week with the new website and logo.  It was a soft launch.  No hoopla.  We have maintained our understated status and continue to fly under the radar.  Many people don’t know what we do and how wonderful the skills we teach are.  Many do.  Those are the people we are inviting to attend the Conversation at the Convention in Vancouver in August.  I am getting excited about the possibilities there.

When an institute like ours has been in existence for 10 years it is time to naval gaze a little and see what is next.  So the Convention will be our opportunity to see where we have been, what we are up to now and where that will take us.  A familiar Frame for conversations … right? Prepare, Uncover, Learn, Search, Explain.  Prepare for the conversation: invite the right people.  Uncover the past circumstance.  Learn the significance of what we have done to set criteria for the future.  Search the possibilities for the use of the Frame beyond mediation and conflict resolution.  Explain a plan of action for the next five years.

The major question for me is not so much what we are doing but why?  What are we in the service of?  I know this kind of question pops up for me as a result of my recent coach training and I like that.  Coaching helps you integrate your feelings and sensations with your thoughts and I find myself “self-coaching” with the Frame more often now. Back to the question of service.  PULSE serves to help People Use Language Skills Effectively.  PULSE serves many purposes and changes many lives.

PULSE needs a celebration and that is what we are going to have.  Come to Vancouver in 2011.  Enjoy the PULSE of a great city and help us define the PULSE of PULSE.  Where do we go from here?