October 29, 2014

An Independent Spirit

Posted by Dr. Nancy Love under PULSE Conversations, SHIFT Happens, Social Exchange | Tags: , |
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I have always thought of myself as independent.  Even when I was totally financial dependent on others, I imagined that I still had decision making power and control over how things would turn out.  I acted as if my voice still counted and I took responsibility for those decision that I helped to make.

An independent spirit requires that you maintain a certain level of competence and distance from others.  It is not that you loose any sense of compassion or caring.  It is just that you take the observe role and see the situation from a perspective that allows you to observe the good and the bad in any and all possible outcomes.  You do not become lost in the needs of others nor do you ignore their needs to gain your own advantage.  It is this level of autonomy that keeps us sane and healthy in difficult situations and it is that level of autonomy that we lose when we slip into dependence – emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, intellectual or relational.

How do we guard ourselves against that kind of dependence?  First we must recognize the signs of waning self confidence and waxing loss of identity. Knowing your own mind, heart and body is the first step and being tuned into changes or SHIFTS is key.  When you begin to set aside your own needs on a regular basis is it is time to take stock.  When you are blaming others for your situation it is time to take stock and when you are making decisions for others it is also time to take stock.  It is a balancing act and you will know when you are in the GROOVE

Take good care this week. Keep in touch with yourself and your relational well-being.  Maintain a healthy distance from those you are not ready to trust.  Rely on yourself and on those with whom you have developed a healthy INTERdependence.

 

June 26, 2014

Keep Moving – The secret to youthfulness

Posted by Dr. Nancy Love under PULSE Enneagram, Social Exchange | Tags: , |
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I attended a concert last night.  Cyndi Lauper opened for Cher.  Cyndi is 60 and still having fun and entertaining others.  Cher is an icon.  She looks Fabulous at 68.  These ladies love what they do.  Cyndi had a lot to say to the old folks who remembered the things she was talking about and to the young ones in the crowd she said “Look it up.”  in her delightful Queens’ NY accent.  It was a great evening.

What keeps them so youthful?  I think it has a lot to do with attitude.  They are very different people.  If I were to observe for direction and orientation, and I did, I would identify Cher’s orientation as past.  She talked about her past accomplishments and much of her show was spent reminiscing with video of her from the past. Rather than move toward the crowd, she moved away.  I know that sounds strange but she didn’t engage that much.  Between songs she disappeared to change costumes.  She looked fabulous and reminded us that that was what she was there to do. Cher has always been a differentiator.  She works at adding beauty to the world … her own. And there is a melancholy about her that she hides with costumes and fabulous acts on stage with her.

Cyndi on the other hand, is present oriented. Her album is remastered and rereleased to freshen it up.  Although she talked briefly about the past, she responded to the audience in a very present kind of approach and she sang from her heart for us, songs we knew and songs we were less familiar with. She was sharing in the here and now.  She knew where she was.  She entered through the crowd wearing a red serge jacket and a tan hat as a tribute to the Mounties.  She also did one or two songs in a Calgary Flames jersey. She moved TOWARD the audience.  We could not escape her. She was in our faces and we all loved it.  Cyndi is a take charge kind of girl who is going to make sure that girls and everyone else have fun.

In both cases the youthfulness comes from a strong sense of self and a willingness to keep moving, to keep doing what you did when you were young so that you can maintain that feeling.  When it stops being fun I know they will stop.  Cyndi does it because she can.  She is doing musicals and taking shows on the road because she loves it.  I think Cher does it for others … her fans … who adore her and remind her how fabulous she really is.

Thanks to both of you for crushing the ‘granny’ stereotype.

 

May 7, 2014

Alberta and Cowboys

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Today I drove from Edmonton to Canmore.  That’s nothing new.  I do it all the time .  Today was different.  It was a bright , crisp blue sky and the snow covered mountains were calling so I turned off Highway 2 and drove to Rocky Mountain House so that I could wander back through the foothills to Cochrane and take 1A into Canmore.

If you have ever done that drive you know the vistas are beyond spectacular. The Rockies are majestic and today you can see Mount Lougheed from Sundre.   The road is mostly straight through the rolling hills and the small towns are so typically small town-ish.  I saw one sign that offered hand crafted gun racks and sewing alterations in the same facility.  It was a great day for a drive.

I was on what is known as the Cowboy Trail.  I love cowboys and the idea of cowboys.  The quiet confidence and humility that comes from working with animals on the land tells me that they learn something out there.  There is a rugged individualism with a sense of down home manners and sensitivity that is likely a stereo type.  It could also be a myth.  Who cares.  This is fantasy.  What is for sure is that there is a mystique in those mountains, on those ranches and in those fields that you can’t really find anywhere else.

Today I was reminded of a question I was once asked by a teacher from Hong Kong.  We were at a teachers of gifted children conference ( Not to be confused with a Gifted Teachers Conference) when the subject of attraction to the opposite sex came up.  I walked into a conversation and was asked rather suddenly.  “What kind of man do you find sexy?”  I was a little taken aback because I hadn’t really thought about it but there it was just falling out of my mouth….”There is just SOMETHING about a cowboy…”   I smiled in reply. The debate raged.  Suits were sexier.  Doctors in Lab coats.  Fighter pilots. Sailors on the high seas. Oilmen.  Academics.  Everyone had an answer that worked for them.  It was another example of the individual nature of humans in cultures.

Not sure why that conversation stayed with me but there was a raw emotion attached to it that has lingered.  Driving through the beautiful Alberta Foothills today with the Rockies shining in the background, I thought of cowboys today and it made me smile.  It always does.

 

March 4, 2014

PULSE CPR

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Reviving PULSE.

After a couple of less active years where I was working for Parks Canada or just busy writing, it is actually fun to have a schedule and to interact with PULSE professionals again.  This morning I did my second 2014 webinar.  PULSE Professionals from Red Deer, Alberta and the Washington DC area as well as from Ghana in Africa joined the session to review the Five Stages of the Frame and the significance, the theory and the skills associated with each Prepare, Uncover, Learn, Search and Explain.

Here is the link to the recording.  If you have 40 minutes for a quick refresher it might be fun.  ( Ignore the right brain/left brain bit…. I think I got it backwards which will not surprise those of you who know me well and know that left and right have never been easy for me.)

http://pulseinstitute.adobeconnect.com/p66aton3eer/

If you have comments or questions I would be happy to respond.

I have new appreciation for CPR – Cardiovascular Pulmonary Resuscitation, having witnessed it in hospital recently, when the patient coded and the staff spring into action.  At PULSE it has represented Content, Process and Response; the three aspects of an exchange that influence the outcome and although it can be vital to maintaining relationships, it is not critical to life itself.  CPR PULSE style is used to save relationships and revive the space between people and not as a life saving procedure in the case of cardiac arrest.

I do hope that our PULSE will be resuscitated, that it will come back to life.  I hope we can reignite the flame for the FRAME that helps people have successful social exchanges.  It is still simple yet complex like all of us. Today I reviewed the Process in some detail.  In future sessions we will indeed look at the Content of PULSE, the theory behind it and the Response of PULSE, the heart of it, the skills that make it work.  Our purpose is to show its relevance in today’s fast paced, digital communications.  Lives are changed with one text or one email.  If we can use the PULSE Frame to inform not only face to face conversations but also these electronic methods of social exchange maybe we can create a gentle, honest, open , specific transaction that won’t cost us relationships but will work to improve them as we interact using the Frame.

The next session will be on April 4th :  PULSE Checklists.  I will present and review with you at least 10 specific uses for the PULSE Frame and how to gently shift it to your purposes.  The link is on our website www.pulseinstitute.com on the calendar.

Hope you can join us.

 

February 3, 2014

Tomorrow at 10 Mountain time

Posted by Dr. Nancy Love under SHIFT Happens | Tags: , , , , , , , |
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Tuesday February 4th, 2014 I will be broadcasting the first in a series of SHIFT webinars. It will be a 40 minute discussion of how the SHIFT model can be used to improve life experiences.
http://pulseinstitute.adobe.connect.com/shift is the URL

It will be a live broadcast that will be recorded and made available to you if you cannot attend.  We will be broadcasting each month on the 4th at 10:00 AM MDT.  Here is the list of topics we have created.

February 4th – SHIFT Happens
March 4th – PULSE in review
April 4th – Checklists for every PULSE conversation
May 4th – GHOST a way to speak and listen
June 4th – The POWER of deep listening
July 4th –  The PULSE Enneagram grid
August 4th – Intelligences – Ways of Knowing
September 4th – a Sharp Mind
October 4th – a Happy Heart
November 4th – an Independent Spirit
December 4th – a Fit Body
January 4th, 2015 – a Trusting Soul
The webinars are free to attend just enter the URL or go to the PULSE website events page and click on the calendar of events.  The link will take you to the webinar.
 

January 15, 2014

Posture – Sit up Straight to SHIFT

Posted by Dr. Nancy Love under SHIFT Happens | Tags: , , , , , , |
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“Sit up straight” How many times have you heard that from parents and teachers? Today it sounds like good advice. It is not just about how you sit which is the physical wellbeing aspect of posture. It can also apply to all the other scales of wellbeing.
“Sit up straight” on the sharpness scale asks you to pay attention and be aware of your surroundings. Sometimes when I am reading my mind wanders. If I were to say to myself “Sit up straight” I know that the physical act of doing that would bring my focus back to the words on the page.
“Sit up straight” on the Happiness scale could be a reminder to choose happiness and not allow yourself to move into that slouchy, depressed state that is often easy to be in and difficult to get out of. When we “sit up straight” from the heart we can feel the lift that we get and it can make you smile.
“Sit up straight” on the relational wellbeing scale of independence is an invitation to take charge of the situation and make the most of the relationship you are working on. Don’t allow others to make decisions for you. Use your back bone to straighten the situation in your favour.
“Sit up straight” on the Fitness scale allows your organs the room they need to work properly and lets your back do the work it was built to do. Using the muscles in your back this way strengthens them and you in many ways.
“Sit up straight” on the Trusting scale is another invitation to pay attention to the “coincidences in your life, the unexplained, the miraculous. Trust that your intentions when shared are powerful and that we are all in the right place, doing the right thing.
The significance of good posture, of sitting up straight is enormous. So it for a day or two and see how much better you feel.
SHIFT will happen.

 

December 20, 2013

Independent Spirit – SHIFT

Posted by Dr. Nancy Love under PULSE Conversations, PULSE Enneagram, SHIFT Happens | Tags: , , , |
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So let’s continue the SHIFT approach to evaluating and perhaps adjusting your life to meet your needs with a discussion of what Independent Spirit means.   The middle finger represents relational intelligence.  I have chosen to use independence as a scale for measuring relational intelligence because having a sense of independence is so important to be able to manage yourself in any relationship.  An independent spirit means that you are fully aware that you deserve to be treated well, to have respect and consideration as well as to give it to others.  It means that you make decisions based on your own AND the others best interests. That way you are better prepared to manage the space between you and the other person.

It is less likely that you will become lost or stuck in a relationship that is toxic if you have a great measure of self-esteem to work with.  No doubt that self-esteem will come from high scores on all of the scales.  It is important to know who you are and that you can stand on your own two feet. Know, too, what you have to offer in the relationship whether it is a work environment or not as well as what you can gain from being in the relationship.

Learning about yourself in relation to others is important.  There are many psychological tests and self-help books that can help you with that.  I love the Enneagram for helping me understand the space between me and others and how I can manipulate my responses to get the responses that serve us both. Manipulate might be a strong word but it really means that you can adjust what you are doing to improve the interaction and make it healthy for both of you.

Some might argue that interdependence should be the top of the scale for relational intelligence.  Maybe …. But a measure of  independence is a prerequisite for healthy interdependence.  Let’s start there.  Are my needs being met in the relationship?  If not renegotiate the relationship or leave it all together.  This may sound a little one-sided.  The other question of course is are THEIR needs being met?  If not what can I do to meet those needs and maintain the relationship?

You have heard me talk about the five As before.  Relational well-being really needs all five.  Appreciation, affection, approval, acceptance and allowing for both parties to gain a level of independent well-being within your relationships.

What I mean by independent spirit is better understood if you consider life as a talk show. You would be Oprah.  You are in charge of who the guests are on the show.  You control the conversation and when appropriate you give them the stage but you always maintain that independent decision-making about what’s good for the show.

It is the middle finger.  Use it if you need to to get what you need to maintain your relational well-being.